“I’m glad I didn’t quit” is a profound observation.

It requires reflection not only on where you are now but on how far you’ve come, and the challenges met along the way. Sticking with something not only teaches perseverance, sacrifice and resilience, it also allows you to feel the satisfaction of growth over time, striving for and reaching goals. Whether it’s a Black Belt or other achievement, the same holds true; the Journey is the Reward.

Full disclosure, I have been a karate mom for 20 years and I am a parent who feels that the best thing anyone can do for their children is enroll them in a martial arts program. Not just for the skills they learn but, most importantly, for the building blocks of strong character and life lessons that will stay with them long after training has ended. I think of this most often when student candidates start their Black Belt training and testing; a process that requires commitment, sacrifice, hard work, sweat and heart.

As parents, we know that it’s important to find a balance between exploring interests and learning the value of commitment. It’s tricky. But, in a world that seems saturated with immediate results and quick fixes; one that often prioritizes speed over substance, we must ask ourselves whether we are robbing our children of valuable lessons if they are constantly starting over.

Admit it, we’ve all been there. We sign our children up for an activity and then it begins …

• “I don’t like it”

• “It’s not fun”

• “It’s too hard”

• “I don’t want to go”

And personal favourites:

• “we’re respecting his choice that he no longer wants to attend” Age 4. Attendance: 1 class

• “she’s still looking for her passion”. Age 7. Attendance: 1 class

• “I’ve asked him, and he just says “no” so there’s nothing I can do”. Age 9. Attendance 4 classes

As parents, what do we do?

Some of us are old enough to use the phrase “in my day” with equal parts dismay at the passage of time and understanding of a different generational approach to parenting. I guess the question is, “can our children be raised as we were raised, in a vastly more complex world?” The answer is, “yes”. The world may be different, but values remain unchanged. Values like honesty, integrity, dedication, respect, perseverance and commitment.

Maybe the question we should all ask ourselves when faced with the “I want to quit” kid is, what lesson are we teaching our children over the long haul? In our attempt to practice gentle, positive parenting and encourage autonomy at a young age are we, in fact, unintentionally being passive parents instead? Are we relinquishing our parental responsibilities in order to be respectful of our children’s autonomy. In our quest to offer our children endless choice in the search for their passion, have we overburdened them with so much choice that they are unable to grasp the need for commitment to succeed.

The truth is that while autonomy is indisputably important, it should be offered in an age-appropriate manner and there will be times which you just have to say “no”. It is our parental responsibility to teach our children the importance of pushing through. If they don’t learn how to push through with life’s smaller issues, how will they navigate all that life throws at them later.

I’m not suggesting we force our children to do something they hate but like us, our children’s lives are chocked full of things they don’t really want to do. Help with chores. Brush their teeth. Eat their vegetables. Go to school. Do their homework. Put away the electronics. Get ready for the dojo.

When we enroll our children and they walk in the dojo for their first class, we need to remember why we enrolled them in the first place. To try something new and to learn martial arts to be sure but, more importantly, to learn self-confidence, focus, respect, leadership and discipline – all things that will have tremendous impact in all areas of their lives. These aren’t just important life lessons – they are essential. And they don’t happen overnight. Not after one class. Not after one week. Not after one month. But slowly, incrementally over time.

Where would we be if we just quit when the going got a little tough or the next bright shiny object came into view? Work, relationships, parenting … life. Perseverance often makes the critical distinction between success or failure. Will our kids have the inner strength so that when the going gets tough, they keep on going? Life can be tough sometimes and we need to teach our kids to do what’s worthwhile, not just what’s easy. We need to teach them responsibility, patience, accountability, perseverance, self-discipline. We need to teach them not to quit.

So, lead by example, help them set goals, set parameters and appropriate expectations for commitment and, when you hear “I don’t want to go”, take a deep breath and do them a huge favour. Just say “I don’t want to go either, get in the car” and remember … The Journey is the Reward.

Maureen Clarke

Karate Mom • 20 years